| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2004|07:39 pm] |
if i could disappear, everything would be better. i try and i try and i try so hard, but nothing is every good enough. nothing i do is right. if i wasn't here, everything would be right. i could disappear right now. i could do it now.
why is everything so wrong? |
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| 1st LJ Cut |
[May. 16th, 2004|12:51 am] |
( Pics of me )
Here is me at my heightest weight of 320 pounds. I'm holding my cousin, Joey.
Here is another of Joey and me.
Here is me after at 217 after i lost 102 pounds. I am going to the prom.
Here is me now at 142.
And another of me.
I lost 177 pounds total, but i am still a fat fuck. >:P |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|02:07 pm] |
i'm slipping. i'm sinking.
how soon until it's too much? |
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| A Suicide Note from Virginia Woolf |
[Apr. 1st, 2004|11:38 pm] |
Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.
I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.
V. |
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| The Hours |
[Apr. 1st, 2004|11:33 pm] |
Richard Brown: But I still have to face the hours, don't I? I mean, the hours after the party, and the hours after that...
Clarissa Vaughn: You do have good days still. You know you do!
Richard Brown: Not really . . . I mean, it's kind of you to say so, but it's not really true.
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Clarissa Vaughn: He gives me that look, as if to say your life is so trivial.
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Richard Brown: I think I'm staying alive just to satisfy you.
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Richard Brown: Ah, Mrs. Dalloway...always giving parties to cover the silence.
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Richard Brown: Just wait until I die, then you will have to think of yourself.
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Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too. |
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| life sucks for all |
[Mar. 18th, 2004|10:40 am] |
I just found out a good friend of mine has cancer, a tumor in his chest. It doesn't look good. He's twenty. i feel really bad. that sounds so stupid, but what else can i say? What is it to feel bad for a person when you can't do anything for them? i can't aleviate what he's feeling. i can't take away that tumor. i can't do anything. i am helpless. so i'll continue starving myself and cutting up my arms, but for what? He is dying and i am living a life i have no desire to live, and he's dying in a life that he loves more than anything. It's not fair.
Three years ago my best friend died of cancer. He had a tumor behind his lungs and then the cancer spread to his bones and blood. He died on Thanksgiving 2000. He was only 17 and i was left alone without him, my best friend. The only boy i could ever dream of sharing a life with died and now my other friend, another boy, is dying. Maybe its me? How egocentrical that sounds, but maybe it's me.
I miss my friend so much sometimes i think i could stop breathing because of all the hurt and missing. my life is so trivial.
- grey |
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| hey |
[Mar. 11th, 2004|08:21 pm] |
didn't kill myself. i'm visting a friend. she found my lj journal. hey, angel. i guess i need to disguise myself better, eh?
- grey |
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